Awake Forever Last Night.....

....it started with a conversation with my husband about a book in the bible - Revelation, and our different point of views.........and then the list went on and on and on. I got to thinking about our court date, our adoptions, anxiety over our current adoption and after hours of struggling, giving that whole adoption issue to the Lord (once again).

We have been in this adoption world for exactly 3 years now. Three adoptions in three years is somewhat draining. We started our first adoption from Guatemala with WPA in December of 2006. God has closed one door after another , and after 4 more months of research/prayer we ended up with another agency for a Vietnam Program (won't mention the agency here, they're closed now to IA). I'm tired, weary and somewhat drained from the uncertainties, finances, flights, people approaching me wanting to adopt (so many, and nobody so far ever pulled through with it out of various reasons). "Excuses" from people why they cannot adopt, and reasons from people WHEN they would adopt (if I cannot have any children "on my own", I will adopt). I think I've seen and heard it all (and trust me people, I can live with the cold and honest truth of "Adoption is just not for me", to ; "I don't think I can get connected with a child that is not my own!")
People adopting out of their own selfish desires (nice accessory, especially to have a little black kid hanging from your hip - it seems to be a Hollywood trend now a days), and people telling me they cannot afford it, but just got a loan for a $ 40,000 brand new vehicle. People telling me they want to adopt a little Asian girl, because they're so cute, BUT where's GOD in that picture?

Do I adopt or does God put adoption on ones' heart and leads and guides you through it (country, gender, age, special needs etc etc)? I've seen God work so intensely in our three adoptions. We have seen God open and close doors. I felt God "nagging" when it came to our 3rd adoption and He would not stop until I had the signed contract for our agency in the mail. I "argued" with God, that there's no way we could afford it and 6 kids are way to many for me to handle. Insert verse here :" God will never give you more then you can handle!"

The financial aspect; to many times I heard "We cannot afford it" - granted. Neither could we. We're a family household of 7, eight soon and have one income. We tried for adoption loans, grants, you name it, we didn't get it, lol. The funny and encouraging part is, every time we signed papers for an adoption, or our next and then our next, my hubby got a promotion. We tried to tell God we don't have the $$'s for another one, He'd say "Trust me", we'd sign our papers and a few weeks later hubby would find out about a promotion. Don't get me wrong, we're far from being financially and independently wealthy, look up the GS-system and how much a GS-9 makes, but we're taken care of. We had to take an adoption loan, which we are able to gradually pay off. I'm almost 35, and I've never been in debt, I hate to be in debt,I'd rather not eat then be in debt, and I really think that God is trying to teach me another lesson here. It's ALL God's money and He let us borrow some from HIM, not the credit institute.

Why am I rambling on? Because those were the thoughts that went through my head ALL night last night. I "journeyed" the last three years and am thankful how God has provided.

My mind went back to the time we went to Vietnam and were unsure whether our little girl would live. She was very sick. We picked her up almost 12 months old weighing less then 12 pounds. She'd have fevers of 105/106 during our stay (almost 3 weeks) and we had to go to the clinic three times. All we were told was "Keep fever down, keep hydrated, get her back to Western world". (we later found out, back in Germany, that she had atypical pneumonia)
One day in Vietnam, our girl had another bout of high fevers, vomiting, she was lethargic and not looking good, I sat on my hotel bed crying, wondering if we'd ever make it out of Vietnam with her being so sick. I cried and prayed and God gave me a vision of a little toddler girl with two pig tails, walking through our house. I knew things would be OK, but since were human, still had some doubts.

I got to thinking of an almost adoption of a waiting child in Taiwan we fell in love with. We already had his files, pictures, but a few weeks later were informed that this adoption would not work out. I was sad and hurt, but once again God had other plans and just a few weeks later we got a referral of our baby boy in Taiwan with a very very similar background story. He fell under Special Needs, and some Adoptive Parents are hesitant when it comes to having to face a history like that, but we were more then OK. To this day I'm frazzled on how similar those two babies stories are.

My mind wandered back to our Taiwan adoption and how quickly that whole process took place (10 months altogether). That we were faced with almost losing him twice, to which until today I think was a unrecognized SIDS . I'm a nurse by trade, there was no doctor present when these things occurred, and I'm convinced those were not fever seizures. This baby was lifeless, purple, not breathing. Anyhow, he had been "issue" free since March and I'm so thankful for that. (for further info you can read January 14th, 2009 and March 5th, 2009 entry on my regular public blog).

I all to often wondered why our Ethiopian adoption seems to be never ending, and now know God had a specific child set aside for us, and most of all He tried to teach me patience (my main downfall, if you know me, you know that's my struggle). It took us 10 months to get dossier ready (normally takes between 2-4 months) and then we'd never thought we'd have to wait that long for a referral (almost 5 months). God had a plan. He already knew about little YO being born in a city 200 miles away from Addis, and He knew she'd not be entering the Toukoul orphanage until September this year. That baby girl fits our family so well, or shall I say we fit her so well? There's one specific picture I took while we were in Ethiopia that shows her personality so well. Little sassy, but ready to explore this world (sticking her tongue out at me while I took a pic of her, to cute)


Anyhow, what I'm trying to say is, that I'm somewhat looking forward to step down a little bit from the adoption world. I cannot wait for the day when all of our children will be home and I don't have to think of the next HUGE bill and payment that will come into the mail, documents missing, and then the WAIT. I'm looking forward to the wait free time, lol. I may actually ban the word WAIT from my personal dictionary, lol.

Our court day is in 6 days. God already knows the outcome of the process. No reason for me to get worried or anxious about it. Once again I had to give it to our Lord last night, and let Him take care of things
"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7).

I may offend some people with this blog entry, especially the paragraph about why people adopt and why people don't adopt. People DO adopt out of various reasons. I have friends that are non-believers and they have their reasons why they adopt (and I highly respect their decisions).

This is my perspective and reason for adoption, bear with me, I'm gladly up for discussion :-)

God has stirred up my heart again, while in Africa. I'm excited on where He will take us from there.
Blessings,
me